Falling Lilies
by Fickle Ink
Summary: Lily receives a letter from the Ministry of Magic and her world seems to crumble before her eyes. Can she bring down those walls she tightly barracaded around her heart or has she resigned herself to never feel love again?
1. The Letter

**A/N: Yes! I've started my own account. ****Aren't you so proud of me? **_**(The other is **__**Ariana**__**, which is co-written with my best friend **__**Clara Maplewood**_**. Speaking of Clara, I'd like to thank her for beta-reading this. It meant a lot to me.**

**So, please no flaming.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**Falling Lilies**

Dried tear drops stained the small piece of parchment Lily clutched in her hand.

She didn't know how long she had been staring at it, but even the words didn't register. She squinted and brought the paper closer to her watery eyes and tried again. No, they didn't make sense at all. Her parents? Dead? The same parents she had visited over Christmas break a few weeks ago? The same parents she had written a letter to only a few days ago, telling them how much she missed and loved them? Oh, dear God, she couldn't understand it!

Lily swiped at her eyes and straightened her black robes. She pocketed the letter in with her wand and gathered what luggage she had. She was to visit her sister - to get the funeral underway. Then, she would be on her way back to Hogwarts.

The next few days passed in a black blur that seemed to cloud across Lily's mind. She vaguely remembered the fights she had with her sister and the lonely nights of crying herself to sleep.

One fight in particular played itself over and over in her mind - like a dreadful horror movie. Did her sister actually say it was her fault for their deaths? That if it weren't for Lily, they'd still be alive? For once, Petunia had seemed right. It _was_ her fault that her parents died...because, after all, they were killed by a wizard who wouldn't have known about them if she wasn't a witch.

"It's all your fault, Lily!"

"No, it isn't! You can't blame me for the fact that my parents are dead!" Lily screamed from the other side of the room.

"Your parents? _Your _parents?! What about _my_ parents, Lily, hm? Aren't they my parents also?? Wasn't it _me_ who actually saw them die, Lily? Wasn't it _me _who saw them drop onto the floor with that dead glaze in their eyes? Wasn't it _me_ who ran and hid in a cupboard under the stairs while _your_ kind tore the house apart looking for me? Don't you _ever_ tell me they aren't my parents, Lily. I had to watch them _die_ because of you! How do you think that feels?" Tears streamed down Petunia's angry face. "Do _you_ know how that feels??"

Lily dropped her gaze to the floor, tear droplets splashing against the wooden panels. "No," she muttered. "I don't."

"That's what I thought." She jumped to her feet and glared at Lily. "This is _not_ a stupid little grudge that we're going to forget about in two days. If it weren't for you, mum and dad would be alive! I am _never_ going to forgive you!" Petunia stormed out of the room, only to turn back and yell a tearful 'I hate you!' over her shoulder.

Four days later, Lily was seated hovering over a book in the Library. She was skimming through the pages, though she didn't seem to comprehend any of it. Many people had showed up at the funeral and the same sentences could be heard over and over and over again.

_"We're sorry to hear about your parents."_

_"Our prayers are with you and your sister."_

_"Is there anything we could do? Is there anything you need?" _

Argh! Lily gripped her red hair in frustration. She was having enough trouble as it was. She didn't need pity.

* * *

She shut the book with a snap and dust flew up in the air. "Achooo!" Lily rubbed her nose roughly as she placed it on the old shelf and went in search for another.

As she reached for an ancient blue covered book, images flashed through her head.

_The little red-haired girl sat on the lowest swing on the playground, gazing enviously at her older sister, who looked like she was about to swing over the top of the swing set. Mrs. Evans watched from the bench, book in hand, as her youngest daughter swung her legs back and forth, attempting to move the swing. "Mommy!" The little girl called._

_"Yes, sweetheart?" Mrs. Evans closed the book she was reading and walked up to Lily._

_"Can you push me?" _

_"Sure, honey." Mrs. Evans pushed slightly and Lily seemed to soar in the air._

_"More mommy! Push me higher!!" Lily giggled as she went a little higher. "More! More!"_

_"Lily, dear, this is the highest you can go." Mrs. Evans said._

_"But why? Why can't I go higher?"_

_"Because I love you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you."_

_It was a few more swings until Lily spoke again. "Why do people say 'I love you'?"_

_"Well, whenever daddy says 'I love you' to me, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside."_

_"Like a teddy bear?"_

_Mrs. Evans chuckled. "Yes, warm and fuzzy like a teddy bear."_

_Lily looked up at her mother with a smile. "Mommy, I love you."_

_"I love you too, darling." Mrs. Evans kissed the top of Lily's hair, tears glistening in her eyes. "I love you too."_

"I love you..." Lily muttered and let the blue book fall from her hand, a faint but sad smile spread across her face while remembering that day.

But suddenly, an amused cough reverberated through the cold Library air. "Excuse me?"


	2. Collisions

**Falling Lilies **

_Chapter 2_

"Oh, shove off Potter." Lily bent down to retrieve the book she dropped, only to have all the contents of her backpack fall out. "Damn!" She hissed under her breath as she squatted down on a knee, frantically wiping at her eyes to conceal her tears. She began piling the fallen parchment, old quills, books and whatever else she had stuffed in her bag.

"Here, let me help with that," James picked up her ink bottle and saw the blush that lightly touched her cheeks. He smiled when she averted her eyes.

"Didn't I tell you to leave?"

"Well, yes. But I didn't think you actually meant it." His eyes sparkled in amusement and he ran a hand through his messy hair.

"Well I meant it. So leave." She grabbed the small ink bottle from his hand roughly. "Now."

"Why?" _Did he always have to be so difficult?_

"B-Because I said so."

"Now, what gives you that authority?" Behind those big glasses, his eyes still twinkled with delight.

"Dammit Potter! I can't deal with this today, alright??" She picked up the rest of her stuff and shoved it into her bag.

Now the smile on James' face disappeared. "Why did you say that?"

"Say what?" _Play dumb, _she instructed herself as she felt her face flush, leaving it pale and sick looking

"Say the thing you said before."

"What thing?" _Yes, that's it. Keep acting clueless. Maybe then he'll go away. _

"Y'know, the thing." _Doesn't he just let things go?_

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you do, Lily." _I need to get out of here. Now. _

"No, I don't." She retorted.

"Lily…" He reached out a hand and touched her arm, in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture but it only furthered the uncomfortable feeling she had in the pit of her stomach.

_If you don't leave now then you'll never get away. _"Fine, you know what? Seeing as though you aren't going to leave, I'll save us both the trouble and do the honors myself." She shook his hand off her arm and flung her bag over one shoulder, leaving the Library and an utterly confused Potter at a brisk pace.

She grabbed the nearest broomstick and straddled it. It was rough and would probably leave slivers in her hands but she didn't seem to care at the moment. She pushed off the ground with great force, trying to rid herself of the pain that had settled in her heart.

The sun was so bright that Lily had to close her eyes. She felt the wind blowing through her hair and she instinctively relaxed. _Let it take me away…_ The last thing she wanted was to walk back into that suffocating school and have to deal with Potter's nagging questions...or even worse, her own thoughts right now.

It felt so nice to be on a broomstick again. She hadn't in over a year and it seemed to make her heart lift a little.

"_Dad! Look what I can do now!" An eleven-year old Lily clutched her little broomstick and waved it around. "I can fly!" _

"_Good for you sweetheart." He put down his coffee cup on the breakfast table and peeked over the daily newspaper. "Just don't try it in the house." _

"_Now __another__ abnormal thing I have to explain to my friends?" Petunia said, biting into her toast and glaring. _

_Lily stuck her tongue out. "At least I can fly and turn you into an ugly toad whenever I want." _

"_Girls, now can't we just have a peaceful breakfast?" Mom said exhaustion evident in her words. Lily and Petunia had been at each other ever since the beginning of the Christmas holiday. _

_Her sister huffed and stomped her way up to her room. "You're not worth my time, freak."_

"_Petunia! Come down and apologize this instant!" Now the newspaper lay on the table, and Lily's father was up out of his chair fuming. "We do NOT tolerate name-calling in this house!" _

"_Never!" A cry resounded down the stairs and Petunia's door was slammed shut. _

Lily opened her eyes and swiped the stray tears from her face. "Freak…" She muttered. "I'm not a freak." Her mother and father never thought she was a freak. But Petunia did. Where all that hatred came from, she'd never know. And now at the time when family was needed most, Lily didn't have one. She would never have one again.

She swooped down and landed softly onto the ground. The sun was slowly setting and there was a chill forming in the air. Lily shivered and wrapped her robes closer to her body as she headed back to the castle doors.

The walls of the Great Hall resonated with the chattering of the student body. Laughter between friends could be heard everywhere and she wanted nothing more than to be a part of it. Periodically, her vision would blur and she'd have to swipe at her eyes before anyone noticed.

But she couldn't fool everyone, which became clearly apparent when Lily felt a warm hand cover hers. "It's going to be okay." Lily lifted her head and met sorrowful, blue eyes. At that moment, she realized how grateful she was to have such a good friend. Clara gave her a watery smile and repeated it, squeezing her hand in reassurance.

"It's all going to get better. Give it time." _How can things ever get better if the world in which she exists doesn't contain her parents anymore? _As helpful as Clara wanted to be, this seemed to only bring her emotions back to the surface. The emotions that she had been trying so hard to disconnect herself from…

Without warning, an icy sensation seemed to take hold of her heart, twisting it in ways it wasn't supposed to twist. She longed to find that calming sensation she felt when on her broomstick earlier. She wasn't ready to deal with this. Especially not in front of all these people. She barely managed a nod in Clara's direction as she stood up to leave. It would require energy she didn't have. She needed to find a secluded place. A place where she could just get away…

_Life isn't fair_.

_Life isn't supposed to be fair,_ said a little voice in the back of her mind. _You should already know that._

Tears coursed down her cheeks as she rounded the corner and spotted the Prefect's Bathroom. The pain was all-encompassing. No matter where she turned, she couldn't escape it. It seemed to consumed her very being.

"Mendle's Mandrakes," she sputtered, blindly making her way through the entrance. Once the door came to a close, she leaned against the wall, only to slide down to the floor. She pressed her palm against her mouth, but it did nothing to stifle her sobs. If anything, it worsened them.

"I-I'm sorry. So sorry." She cried softly into the darkness. _Petunia was right, it is all my fault… _"Please forgive me."

Little did she know she wasn't alone as she had believed. "What exactly happened Lily?" A familiar male voice said from the other side of the bathroom. Seconds later a boy toweling his messy black hair, clad in only his boxer shorts, emerged from behind the shower curtains.

_**To be continued…**_


	3. Out of Frustration

**Lily**

_Chapter 3: Out of Frustration _

Horror stricken…not due to her hysterical outburst or puffy eyes, because at this moment all that flew from her mind…but for the fact that she was unable to tear her eyes from the boy's defined chest.

She felt heat radiate off her cheeks. But she couldn't avert her eyes no matter how much she wanted to. "I-I'm sorry. I thought the bathroom was empty." She stumbled to her feet, trying to wipe away the stray tears from her cheeks as the messy-haired boy continued to stare at her. _Why did I have to run into Potter again? _"I-I'll just be leaving now…"

"Wait! Lily, wait a second!" The towel he had clutched in his hand dropped and was forgotten on the floor as he stepped closer to her. "Are you ever gonna tell me what's wrong?" His brown eyes flickered slightly. And it was oddly comforting to her.

_My mother had brown eyes…_

_She was a rather petite woman, dark auburn hair and soft eyes. She always wore the same blue apron when cooking. It had been stained quite a few times, but her mother argued that it was special to her. No one ever thought to throw it out. The vanity in her room was full of make-up and Lily loved playing in it when she was a child. _

"_Lily, darling!_ _Don't touch that!" Mrs. Evans had just opened her bedroom door and there her youngest child was sitting at the vanity, make-up streaks all down her cheeks. Red, blue, brown, any color imaginable. _

_The little girl had now picked up a dark shaded lipstick. "Lily, put that down!" Her mother crossed the room and snatched the lipstick from Lily's small hand before she was able to stick it in her eye. "What have I told you about my vanity?" _

"_N-Not to go in it."_ _Lily's bottom lip started to quiver. "I-I just wanted to have pretty eyes like you." _

_Mrs. Evans sighed and wrapped an arm around the little girl. "Honey, you have beautiful eyes. Don't ever try to change them." _

A warm arm was still around Lily when she came out of her daze. It was soothing to have something to hold onto as she cried. The warmth shifted and for a horrible moment Lily thought it was going to move away. But instead she felt the warmth encircle her completely.

The arms weren't thin and delicate like her mother's. But big and…kind of wet. The realization that this definitely was not her mother flooded her senses. It brought her crashing back to reality and she pushed the arms away. She had walked in on Potter half-naked and the chest she couldn't tear her eyes from was now pressed against her side, somewhat stilling her shaking form.

She disentangled herself from him and stood up from the cold marble floor, only to see those damn brown eyes again. They were filled with such confusion and worry. He wanted to know.

Lily pushed loose strands of hair from her face, almost shivering from loss of the warmth she had been so closely pressed up to just moments ago. "I'm sorry again. I don't know what got into me…" It was an awkward statement, but it was the only thing she could think of at the moment. She just wanted to hide under her bed sheets and never have to face Potter again.

"Lily, this is ridiculous." He sighed in frustration. "Why won't you just tell me? You have these walls up…and I try to be patient and I try to understand…but I can't watch you tear yourself apart like this!" His voice had become gradually louder, no longer possessing the soothing quality it always had. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

The awkward air that was felt just moments ago changed. Anger began to boil within her heart. _It always seems I'm the one to blame…that I'm the one everything leads back to._ At fault for her parents' death and now for the way she chooses to live her life…how ironic, coming from a boy who he himself should be blamed for so many things here at Hogwarts. For an instant, she could have sworn it was Petunia standing in front of her instead of Potter. "It's not my fault!" Her voice quivered in anger. "It's not my fault they are dead and it's not my fault how I deal with it!" It flew from her mouth so quick she didn't even have time to muffle it with her hand. Her eyes widened in embarrassment and thoughts of her own stupidity. She suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed under his gaze.

"Dead?" There was a pause. "Was it your parents, Lily?" He too seemed taken aback by her sudden outburst.

But the length it took him to finish processing it, Lily had fled out the door and down the corridor. The sound of her shoes resonated against the stone walls and then she was no longer in his sight.

Everything seemed to make a bit more sense to him now.

_A/N:_ _Thank you for all your lovely reviews! I'm sorry this chapter is somewhat short. I just got back from a trip and I am running on very little sleep at the moment. Please give me some feedback! _


End file.
